Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Girl Talk

Looking to make your lady bits a little more luscious?   Everything we eat has a direct effect on our health, our looks, our tastes, etc.  From armpit sweat to poo, every smell can be related to what we shove into our faces.  But for now, lets talk Girl Talk.  Boys, go away and chase a car or something.

So, ladies, proud owners of the punanis, how does it happen?  What can you do to make your 'juice box' more juicy?  I'll tell you!

Here's the scoop.  Everything you put between those lips of yours (no.....not those lips...silly! the lips on your face!) and swallow is digested.  What we digest is absorbed into the intestinal walls and carried into the bloodstream where the molecules of the food that we ate end up all over our bodies, in sweat glands, secretions, etc.  What we ingest can negatively or positively effect the smells and tastes of those glands and secretions.  

So what foods may give you a vile vagina?  Onions, garlic, red meat and dairy are among the worst offenders.  Want your meat flaps to smell like well, meat?  By all means, keep shoveling bacon into your face and we'll keep the fishy jokes flying in your general direction!  Phew!  Are you smuggling a fish market in your pants or did you just over consume a rump roast?  No one wants a stinky snatch.  Furthermore, no man  (or woman...) wants to stick his face anywhere near your junk if it stinks of week old fish.

What foods can make your lady-bits smell and taste like dessert?  Glad you asked!  Recently made famous by the Kim and Kourtney's pineapple binge on their stupidly famous reality TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, (I'm a closet fan myself, bleh!), pineapple juice ranks at the top of the list for a smooch-worthy cooch.  They actually went on a pineapple juice binge, consuming as much of the stuff as they could for days, went to wipe their naughty bits with a towel and their disgustingly willing sister, Khloe actually did the official sniff test.  F*ing gross if you ask me.  The day I ask my sister to sniff my snatch will be a cold day in hell.  I digress....Anyhow, a little lesser known fruit known for helping jazz up your juice box is the cranberry.  While most of us are aware of the great benefits cranberries have for urinary tract infections and other issues like that for the area 'down there', few are aware that cranberries are also number two on the list for a heavenly hoo-ha.  Fruits in general, thanks to their sweetness, can in turn, make you smell and taste sweet too.  

So, there you have it.  Fruits = sweet and succulent.  Meats = well, lets think of it this way....the meat you consume...err....even better....the dead animal you consume is cooked, eaten, and digested.  Any idea what rotting meat smells like?  Well, your stomach ain't no freezer!  Yes, that meat you cooked and ate is now digesting, aka rotting, in your belly and what little nutrients it had (assuming you are eating conventional crap) are being absorbed into your bloodstream and the faint smell of it is being excreted by your body.  AKA: Yo vag is stank!

Lesson: Eat more fruit.  And: Eat less meat and maybe someone will eat yours.  ;)

Did I prepare a recipe for this occasion?  You bet your sweet smelling ass I did!  I call it Vagilicious!

Vagilicious Juice!

1/2 pineapple
1 C cranberries

Juice.  Yum.  Your vagina will thank you.

Did I end up using all my vag euphemisms   I think so.  Wait!  Pink Taco.  Beaver.  Moose Knuckle.  Pipe Cleaner.  Ok...whew!... I'm done.  

1 comment:

  1. Came across your blog and found your writing style and topic both informative and quite amusing with your use of euphemisms. Thanks for the info and the silly personality with an otherwise avoided topic of discussion. Look forward to future reads.