Dude Food

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! I'll be honest...I couldn't really care less about football and I'll never understand whose bright idea it was to publicize a great all-American excuse for a party on a damn Sunday when all but the unemployed have to work the next morning and at least half of those that don't have kids to get ready for school. It's no secret I like to entertain and party, but on a Sunday? Geez. Anyhow, despite my lack of enthusiasm for a bunch of guys in tights chasing what can hardly be called a ball, I like to cook; And even if I do have a 4 month old who will undoubtedly wake me at 4am, I jumped at the chance to prepare some vegan food that I knew a small crowd of carnivorous guys would gobble up. I also threw in Rocky Road Chocolate Bark for my daughter and anyone else who might have a sweet tooth in between guzzling pints of craft beer.


Rocky Road Chocolate Bark

1/3-1/2 C vegan marshmallows
1/3 C walnuts, broken into small pieces
1 Tbsp chia seeds
1 12oz bag vegan dairy-free chocolate chips

Line a cookie sheet or tray with wax paper or freezer paper turned so the waxy side is up. Scatter the marshmallows, walnut pieces and chia seeds on the paper. Heat a double boiler with chocolate. *OR* if you do not have a double boiler (I don't!), bring a small saucepan of water to a boil, place a metal bowl that fits inside without touching the bottom in the pan and lower heat to simmer. Put chips in the bowl and stir constantly until melted. At this point, you can even add a few Tbsp peanut butter if you like. Then, pour melted chocolate onto marshmallows and walnuts.


Spread out evenly and move any runaway walnuts and marshmallows back into the chocolate.



Place in fridge and allow to harden. Should take just a couple of hours. When it is hard, remove from wax paper and break into pieces. Yum!



Buffalo Tenders
Search blog or recipe archive for buffalo sauce. Mix with vegan chicken tenders or in a pinch, cut Boca chicken patties up into quarters like I did and toss in sauce. :)

Cheese Dip

1 can organic baked beans, drained but not rinsed
1 C salsa
8oz vegan cheese (I used Vegan Rella mozzarella

Mix all in saucepan until melted. Serve with tortilla chips.



Philly Cheese Steak Hoagie

2 Tbsp high heat cooking oil
2 Portobello Mushrooms, sliced
1/2 medium Onion sliced
1 green pepper, sliced
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbsp Braggs, tamari or shoyu
2 Tbsp Worstershire sauce (vegan version if you are vegan)
Hoagie roll
Vegan mozzarella cheese (I prefer Daiya for this recipe)
Salt & Pepper to taste

Heat oil in skillet over med-high heat. Add veggies and cook until soft. Add sauces and season with s&p. While its cooking, slice hoagie (butter if you choose) and throw in toaster over for a couple minutes. Top with veggies and cheese and return to toaster oven for a few minutes until cheese is melted. I promise-this may be meat free but it is DAMN good!!!


Three Bean Salad

1 can black eyed peas
1 can black beans
1 can navy beans
1/2 medium onion, diced
1 green pepper, diced
1 red pepper, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 jalapeños, diced
1 tomato, seeded and diced
1/4 C olive oil
2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 C Dijon mustard
2 Tbsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
S&P to taste

Toss all ingredients together in bowl and refrigerate overnight or for a few hours to blend flavors.

To post or not to post...

I've been wrestling with the idea of adding seafood recipes on my site. Here's the thing: although I'm an advocate for a vegan diet and I call myself vegan at times because it's the easiest way to explain to people how I eat, I'm technically not even vegetarian. I eat fish. I'm pretty much a dairy-free pescatarian. I severely limit eggs and gluten but I do eat them. So....what to do??

Although I cook 85% of my meals vegan, I'm not vegan and my first and foremost reason for eating this way is for health, not animal welfare. (This is NOT to suggest animal welfare is not a concern of mine...it's just not the ultimate reason why I chose this lifestyle.). I own leather goods. I've been wanting to host a vegan potluck at my house and then freaked out that I would be chastised when my vegan guests saw that the only seating in my home is a giant leather sectional and a leather sleeper sofa in the other room. My handbag has leather straps. I do not wear fur, although a do wear a faux fur lined suede coat.

Although I love my vegan friends and fans and respect their values wholeheartedly, my target audience is the 'Average Joe' or 'Jane'. Vegans already live a more compassionate lifestyle and although there is tons of vegan junk food and being vegan does necessarily coincide with being healthy, generally speaking, they are more aware of what they shove in their faces and in effect, are generally healthier.

In addition, If you've read my blog you know I live in the 'GRaY'. To me, it's not all black and white and I find numerous flaws in both the vegan and typical lacto-obo vegetarian, which you can read about in my next blog on hypocrisy (we're all guilty of it!).

That said, I have decided to include dairy-free pescatarian recipes in my blog. This is mostly as a result of making some ridiculously badass shrimp last night. A far healthier cry from Bonefish Grill's Bang Bang Shrimp. I call it Big Bang Shrimp and it was quite a hit last night! Every Wednesday night at Bonefish (which, by the way if you read this Bonefish, is my Favorite Restaurant! I just can't eat half of the stuff on the menu so I like to recreate it) is Bang Bang Wednesday when my friends like to go and gorge themselves on shrimp for $5. However, after my Bang Bang fans tried my version last night, they said they were coming to my house on Wednesdays instead! My lightly fried shrimp were better than the deep fried mayo covered version!


BIG BANG SHRIMP

1lb Medium Shrimp, peeled and deveined, tail-off
2-3 tbsp cornstarch
4 tbsp high heat cooking oil (I used organic canola)
1/2 C Veganaise
1/4 C Thai Sweet Chili Sauce
1 Clove Garlic, minced fine
1/2 tsp Sriracha Sauce, or to taste

Boil shrimp until pink and cooked through. Strain and run under cool water. Pat dry and toss with cornstarch to coat.

Heat oil over medium high heat in skillet. Add shrimp and lightly pan fry until lightly crispy and beginning to brown. Remove from heat.

Combine remaining ingredients in bowl and toss to coat.  Enjoy!

Sent from my iPho

WHY diets don't work & WHY disease in on our heels

“If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.”

-Anthony Robbins

That is one of my all time favorite quotes.  So you gained weight.  What now?  I've been there.  I spent my entire life being skinny, 'naturally', until I got pregnant with my daughter almost 6 years ago.  I gained 65 pounds during my pregnancy and afterwards often ate an 8oz bag of Kraft cheese cubes because I was told the calcium was good for breastfeeding.  Needless to say, when you're eating a half pound of curdled cow breastmilk a day, you're bound to get fat.  I was at the gymn running 6 miles a day and for the life of me could not get the last 20lbs off.


Now, Im not proud of this and not many people know but my next step to lose weight was pretty severe.  I wanted weight loss drugs but I wasnt typically considered overwieght as far as general standards go for American women.  I had a friend that was on migraine medication for her terrible headaches and lost a ton of weight.  Interested, I resarched the drug and found out that Anorexia is actually a SIDE EFFECT of the drug!  Sick as it sounds, I wanted it.  Although I was never prone to headaches and had never in my life experienced a migraine, I looked up migraine symptoms to brief myself and went to my doctor and begged for the drug to cure my 'intolerable headaches'.  I was prescribed them.  All I had to do was ask.


Well, they didnt work fast enough so I grew the balls to just flat out ask my doctor for weightloss meds, which, he did, almost no questions asked.  Mind you, I was still not typically considered overweight, but I was 20lbs over my prepregnancy weight.  Adipex kicked my ass.  It was meth in pill form and man was my house clean!  I took them 3-5 days a week for almost a year.  I lost the weight several times but everytime I quit, the weight came back so I started the vicious cycle over again.  This literally lasted until I picked up my first vegetarian health book that explained why I couldnt get skinny again.

My Adipex prescription became my crutch and I was beginning to feel like a heroine addict.  Everything I had ever been taught revolved around counting calories, points and fat grams.  All of a sudden I was seeing clearer and I threw away my bottle of little blue speckled pills to begin transforming my life.

See...if you diet, you temporarily abstain from eating certain things, whether they be calories, fat, etc...but when you lose the weight and go back to the habits you had before, to expect a different result is, in fact, insanity!  If you always do what you have always done...you will always get what you always have gotten.  I.e. FAT! 

OR WORSE - Heart attacks, cancer, etc.  Lets say you develop a giant tumor in your body.  You have it sugically removed.  You go 'back to normal life'.  Well, whatever in the hell you did (YES, YOU!) to cause that tumor to grow, what is to stop it from happening again???  Unless you do a complete overhaul, you will always get the same results.  Its not our faults that we are forcefed false information but now is the time to do something about it. 

CHANGE. 

New Year, New Me!

One tradition my husband and I started several years back when we were married was to literally write down our New Years Resolutions.  We bought 2 journals, only to buy another later for our daughter Addison and we will be buying one more for our son, Jonah.  Addison got to write in hers for the first time this year.   After discussing resolutions she decided that this year she would more willingly try new foods and try not to be so shy in school.

Journaling resolutions is an excellent way to really see how far you've come.  We don't just set the typical, 'get healthier' goals.  We set many attainable goals and strive to complete each one.  Then, we can journal about how we did it, ect.  My husbands generally involves making more money, which, lucky for me, he has always achieved.  Mine are a bit more personal. 

This year they include:
1. Play more games with Addison (not gonna lie...this generally bores the shit out of me.  But I love her and I'll gladly suffer boredom to appease her.)

2. Write more letters and journals for the kids.  (I have a journal for Addison that I began when she was born.  It started with the story of how her daddy and I met and how she came to be...without all of the inappropriate birds-n-bees details, of course. Then, time went by.  I got busy.  Journals turned into a book of Addisonisms; You know, the funny things that comes out of your childs mouth and makes you think 'what the f*ck did she just say?'.  I still forget to write them down sometimes and it drives me crazy.  I hope to do better this year.)

3. Rekindle old friendships.  Although I may have cussed my friends in the past for being assholes, I guess it just occurred to me that friendships really are TWO way streets.  I'm just as guilty as they are for not making enough effort to see each other.  Well, almost... 

4. To host a vegan dinner party to sample my favorite original recipes.  Also, to host at least a couple vegan potlucks locally.

5. Read at least 1 book per month - and not ONLY health related.  I am a sucker for a good non-fiction in-your-face health report, but I need to get out of my head a little and enjoy some good fairytales.  Right now I'm reading a new book by Jenna McCarthy.  (JennA - Not JennY)  Its ridiculously funny and is making me appreciate my husband a little more, since it appears that it may be true that all guys are the same, lol

6. Start an organization.  I dream of starting an organization to educate people.  I want to donate books like The China Study to local high schools.  I want to start a scholarship fund for kids who have read The China Study (or will for college $$).  Living in podunk Polk County is not like where I grew up in a typical south FL beach town.  Its redneck.  Its tobacco chewing trailer park capital of the country.  (Or close.)  When I went mostly veg, I influenced many other people to do the same or at least to start thinking more deeply about what they shove into their faces.  If I can influence a handful of people, then they can too, and it multiplies.  I want to educate someone who is clueless, that will, in turn, possibly educate someone else.  I will do this with college scholarships.

7.  I want to run a 5k.  I'm sure I can do more and although I run almost daily for several miles, I've never ran a race and I generally don't like people enough to force myself to hang around a slew of them.  If I like it, I may do more. 

8. Further my education and begin earning certifications and credentials.  I am always learning and I don't claim to know everything (although my husband will tell you different).  However, I am sick and tired of podunk assholes acting like I read one article and think I know it all.  A friend once told me if you study something enough, you are bound to be good at it.  Like practice makes perfect.  Well, my entire life I've studied health to some degree but as of 3 years ago I really buckled down and found out that health was not about calories, pounds or points.  I now want the credentials to back up my endless blubbering so maybe I will be taken more seriously.  Likely, I will get my certificate in plant based nutrition, become a personal trainer and begin working on becoming a certified nutritionist.  Wish me luck!

9.  As of yesterday, I have added a new resolution to my list.  I hope to veganize at least 20 of Paula Deens most loved recipes.  I love a challenge!

Thats it for now.  Be on the look out for my next post about that darling Southern Belle, what I think about her (not that you care) and at least 1 recipe of hers gone vegan.  =)

Also, be on the look out for Kris Carr's ebook, coming out soon, where one of my juice recipes is featured.  =)

Happy New Year!

Squashing the stereotypical vegan faire...

So while its true that many vegans are, in fact, tree hugging hippies that run around frolicing in the forest in birkenstocks singing to the woodland creatures, the majority of them are normal people that are married with 2.5 kids, a dog, picket fence and occupy cubicles instead of wall street.

Wait...aren't Birkenstocks made of leather?  Hmmm...

I recently spoke with the owner of a local business who is a local celebrity for his beignet and coffee stand, the most elaborate setup at our farmer's market.  He informed me that his original recipe, is actually vegan...but was stern about making sure I didn't let the cat out of the bag because if people knew they were vegan, he would lose business.  Vegan or not, deep fried dough is far from healthy....so don't worry Mr. Man, I'm pretty confident you could fry a vegan turd in your fryer and someone would eat it.  Nothing grosses me out more than deep fried anything... (although this is a far cry from what I believed several years ago where I would have been the one with the poop mustache munching on a deep fried turd.)

It remains pretty common that if you announce something is healthy, most people wont eat it.  They assume it will taste like cardboard.  This is the reason companies spend millions on advertising and product design, and add artificial colors...  Taste aside, it has to look and sound appealing.

On Thanksgiving my husband, kids and parents took a trip to South Florida (where I grew up) to spend the holiday with family.  There were 18 of us.  In a very small house.  It was a blast. 
Since no one else gives a rats ass to eat healthy, I cooked my very own Thanksgiving feast for my daughter and I.  I made enough for everyone, knowing there would already be a huge feast of traditional food.  Most of my glorious food was cast aside into a special area to let everyone know that was the "healthy food".  Safe to say, almost none of it was touched.  Only 2 of them tasted the Tofurky to see what it was all about...but the casseroles went untouched.  Then came dessert.  I brought my Who Cut The Cheese...cake with a festive cranberry topping.  It was beautiful!  Based on looks alone, about half of them tried it.  Then, based on their reactions to it...everyone finally tried it and its safe to say I am no longer allowed at family functions without it.  Although no one converted to vegan that day, it definitely opened some minds I think. 

So, then came Christmas.  When I open up my vegetarian magazines or google holiday vegan food...I am horrified!  Who in the hell wants to pick quinoa out their teeth or feast on some butternut squash risotto on Christmas??  Lovely as that sounds, when it comes to the holidays I am uber traditional.

My goal with this blog is not to create food for vegans; It is to create vegan food for the everyday omnivore.  You can't win them over with couscous and celery sticks. 

The one recipe that I worked hard to veganize without losing the flavor was my mom's squash casserole.  She got the recipe from Brian Hendrix's mom at a potluck holiday feast at my elementary school.  (Where ever you are, you have changed our holiday faire forever!)

So goes the holiday menu and the Squash Casserole Recipe - I promise it will not leave you disappointed!  NO one at my house for Christmas could tell the difference!

MENU
Free Range Turkey and Ham for Omnivores (The ONLY non-vegan items)
Tofurky
Green Bean Casserole
Creamy Veggie BakeSquash Casserole
Candied Sweet Potatoes
Mashed Potatoes
Mashed Rutabagas
Gravy
Dinner Rolls
Olive and Pickles tray
Cranberry Sauce

Squash Casserole
1 C + 2 Tbsp Vegan Butter, divided
4 Tbsp Non-GMO Cornstarch
1 C Full Fat soymilk or creamer
1 C Imagine's No-Chicken Broth
1/4 tsp Onion Powder
1/4 tsp Garlic Powder
1/4 tsp Parsley
1/4 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Pepper
2 lbs Yellow Squash, sliced thin
1 Medium Onion, diced
1 C Grated Carrots
1 C Vegan Sour Cream
1 C Daiya Cheddar Style Shredded Cheese
10 oz Stuffing Mix (I use Whole Foods Vegan Stuffing mix)

Preheat Oven to 350º.

Melt 2 Tbsp butter over medium heat.  In a sperate bowl, whisk the corn starch into the soymilk.  Add soymilk mixture and broth to the butter.  Add seasonings (Onion Powder - Pepper).  Bring to a boil and whisk constantly until thickened.    Remove from heat and let stand at room temperature until needed.

Bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil.  Add squash and onions and boil for NO MORE than 5 minutes.  You want very tender, but not mush.  Drain and rinse with cold water to stop squash from cooking.

In a large bowl add squash mixture, broth mixture, carrots, sour cream and cheese. Mix by hand.

In a sperate skillet, melt the remaining 1 C butter.  Add the stuffing and toss to coat.  Remove from heat.

Layer half of the stuffing mix in a 9x13 casserole dish, followed by all of the squash mixture and topped off with the other half of the stuffing mix.  Bake for 1 Hour uncovered.

How the hell do you eat vegan on TURKEY DAY?

Don't wanna be stuck eating grilled tofu on Thanksgiving?  I've got good news!  You don't have to!  Since I have no time to blog after the birth of the newest almost-vegan to the family, here is a quick list of what MY Thanksgiving will consist of!  You wont miss a thing.  It's a good homestyle traditional Thanksgiving feast without a slaughtered turkey as the centerpiece of your family's dinner table. 

1. Tofurky
2. Creamy Vegetable Bake
3. Stuffing (made easy with dried package stuffing with sauted onions, carrots, celery and ground Gimmee Lean sausage.
4. Green Bean Casserole (veganized from traditional recipe: no time to blog so will post at a later date, basically you vaganize the Cream of Mushroom soup...google it!)
5. Squash Casserole - will post as soon as I can.  Its a family favorite that I veganized.  Have not been able to even find another non-vegan version similar to what 'mom makes'.
6.  Olive & Pickle Tray
7. Organic cranberry sauce - straight from the can! Check out your local health food store.
8.Mashed Potatoes using Smart Balance Light vegan butter and soymilk.
9. Sweet Potatoes - again using vegan butter and vegan marshmellows
10. Thanksgiving Pot Pie


Vegan Pumpkin Pie for dessert.  Or Vegan Pumpkin Cheesecake....hmmmm.  Or both!  As soon as I get a chance Ill post more recipes, but try the 2 listed!  One is mine and the other is from Vegetarian Times magazine...they are both delicious!!!

The Story of Jonah 9:19-2011

Wow.  Its been a while since I've blogged.  I was very pregnant and blogging was the last thing on my mind for a while.  Anyhow, my baby (Its a BOY!) was born on Monday, 9/19 and his birth story is one for the records.  Literally.  He and I set a lot of records that day.  Both at birth centers and at hospitals and personally.  Here is our story:

Let me begin my saying, that my experience was VERY rare and that I would still recommend birthing with a midwife at a birth center or at home.  It is statistically PROVEN safer and I am still a firm believer that a woman's body is perfectly capable of birthing a baby without medical intervention.  It is not a sickness and only in rare cases, has its place in hospitals. 


And without further adieu,The Pregnancy

I was convinced, only weeks after finding out that Ryan and I were pregnant, that it was doomed.  The pregnancy was planned and we wanted to add one more member to our family before calling it 'quits'.  So, here we were.  Pregnant.  And...bleeding.  The complications early in pregnancy were odd to say the least.  I have a good friend whom, prior to getting pregnant, we synced our cycles.  It seemed her body was in control and mine was mimicking.  Strange.  To the point where my period would come only hours after hers.  If I was late, I could go see her and by the next morning, I would get mine.  Well, in January she got hers early.  Mine came early too on that same day.  But, the next day mine was gone.  I asked her about hers but her body followed through.  Days later I took a pregnancy test at the request of my husband and there it was.  Two pink lines staring me in the face.  Several tests later only revealed the same thing.  I was pregnant.  That weekend I figured would be my final Hurray.  I went equipped with a bottle of organic wine to my friends house and managed to keep my surprise a secret from everyone that night.  The next morning, there is was again.  Blood.  And lots of it.  We naturally assumed I had miscarried.  A few days later, a couple doctors visits, several sonograms and a few thousand dollars proved one thing: I had not miscarried.  I was still pregnant.  And I needed to avoid my friend for several weeks because my body, pregnant or not, would bleed when around her. 

Due to my awful 1st birth experience, I wanted to have a natural birth.  No meds.  No edidural.  Nothing to drug me so I couldn't even remember the birth of my baby.  My first experience left me unable to bond instantly with my daughter, breastfeeding problems and serious memory loss from all of the drugs they pumped into me, practically against my will.  I found a birth center that I fell in love with, planned a water birth and went to work keeping myself in utmost health so that I could have my dream birth experience.  I even hired a photographer to capture my labor and delivery on camera because I knew it would be beautiful. 

From then on the pregnancy went smoothly, until week 35-36 when another sonogram proved the baby to be breech.  I was able to naturally turn the baby without being manhandled by a rough doctor.

The Labor

Then it came.  Saturday night.  10:40 PM.  I felt the first contraction and broke out my iPhone.  Because, you know, 'There's an App For That".  Using my phone, I timed my contractions and they remained consistently 5 min apart.  No pain though.  I made it to 7cm in my first birth with no pain until they introduced drugs.  I was convinced it would obviously be more painful than what I was experiencing now, but pitocin contractions are supposed to be far worse so I was confident I would be just fine.  2 Hours later we called Robyn, our midwife to let her know we would be on our way to the birth center.  Right on time, her car was pulling in as we turned the corner.  We settled our daughter in with her 'Big Sister' bag full of new coloring books, new small toys and a new DVD for her to watch while I labored.  We got comfy in our room and after a brief nap to harness all the energy we could, I began walking the halls of the birth center.  With hope in my heart and a longing desire for the birth I had planned in my head as being the most beautiful thing we would ever experience, Robyn checked me for dilation, only to expose the first of many nightmares.  Baby's umbilical cord and hand were on top if the head.  This meant that if the head descended any further into the cervix, it would cut off circulation to the umbilical cord, cutting off blood and oxygen to baby.  She informed me it was an emergency and medical intervention would be required.  She was going to call me an ambulance and I would likely have an emergency C-Section. 

Talk about waterworks.  I was almost convulsing.  I was so desperate to finally have a natural birth that this idea crushed me to the core.  My husband, Ryan held me while I cried and my mind raced.  We were alone here with our daughter.  Nightmare #2 sets in.  My 4 year old would be forced to watch me enter an ambulance.  Robyn would be with me.  That left Ryan and Addison.  Obviously, Addison would not be permitted anywhere in the hospital where I would be, which meant Nightmare #3, Ryan would not be with me.  I would have an emergency C-Section and my husband would not be there to hold my hand or to see the 'birth' of our baby.  With the quickness, we agreed for Ryan to put Addison in the car and drive down the street waiting for the ambulance to arrive.  Then, he would follow. 

Robyn insisted I lay on my side to keep the baby from descending any further.  I was whisked away on my 'tour bus', lights, sirens and all to be used as a human pin cushion on the way to our destination.  The EMTs attempted to humor.  I almost knocked them all out with one swing of my foot.  Note to EMTs or anyone else in the medical field: When a woman is obviously upset about her dreams being crushed and terrified of what she may be facing, do NOT attempt jokes.  You are not a comedian and the is NOT your stage.  Meanwhile, Ryan is terrified of what is happening and thoughts of losing me and/or the baby are racing in his head.

So there we are at Winnie Palmer hospital.  Ghetto.  After being examined by doctors and having multiple sonograms, they determined that the cord and hand had moved and were of no threat at the moment.  Another sonogram also determined that the head had, in fact, settled in more and was tight up against the cervix so the chances of that happening again were slim to none.  I just had to stay on my feet or upright and keep the baby moving down.  It also confirmed that the baby was 8lb 5oz.  They offered to let me stay there for monitoring and agreed that they would allow me the most natural birth possible (which, is turns out, is NOT 100% EVER because of hospital policies.  Many of the most natural part of delivery were forbidden.  So, me, being the hardass that I am told them to discharge me right away because I had a baby to be born with my midwife at the birth center. 

Back to the center.  At this point I was walking, squatting and basically doing everything I could to get things moving.  Robyn was afraid my contractions may slow down or stop due to the traumatic events.  Within an hour or so of being back and walking, my water broke on its own.  Apparently, it only broke on top, meaning there was still a bag of waters in there that had not released yet.  So, I kept walking.  I was so sure my perfect birth was only hours away that we called our trusty photographer to head on over and I went to wash up and reapply my makeup.

I think now that this was all a test.  Looking back, I was almost looking more forward to the birth experience than I was to the product of the birth experience: our baby. 

Hours passed and nothing happened.  We were going on 18 hours of labor and I was put on a few doses of antibiotics to prevent infection since my water had broke.  At 24 hours, Robyn broke the rest of my water and contractions hit an all time high.  These were not just any contractions.  They were contractions from hell.  I used all of my pain management skills I had practiced.  They worked, but only for a few hours until my body began begging for mercy.  The hours kept slipping by.  Robyn prepared the birthing pool.  It was all set.  Finally, I was checked again at the 24 hour point of initial water breakage.  The result: NO PROGRESS.  At that point I was ready for anything.  I had been in so much pain for so long that I knew my body may go into shock if I did not have medical intervention.  Nightmares set in all over again.  I was begging for an epidural.  I would have cut off my right leg if it meant I didn't have to have 1 more violent contraction. 

No ambulance this time.  Our photographer magically transformed into our nanny and took Addison.  Ryan drove me to Florida Hospital and Robyn followed close behind.  Running into the hospital I was rushed into a room where I replaced my clothing with an undignified hospital gown and begged nurses to get the anesthesiologist as fast as they possibly could.  Then, I was again used as a human pin cushion by a nurse who could not find a vein.  The needle poking around in my hand hurt like hell and finally an anesthesiologist who looked like a young mad scientist crossbred with a muppet came to my rescue.  He shot my hand up with a numbing agent so that they could fish around with needles without my feeling the pain. 


The DeliveryMeds so far: Numbing crap in my hand and an IV with fluids.  No real meds yet.

He left to go prepare the epidural.  I screamed like a mother effing banshee with each contraction that felt harder and closer together.  The doctor was still on his way.  The nurse checked me.  Still only 7cm and not nearly effaced enough.  I was under the impression I would be given pitocin and an edidural so I could still have a vaginal birth.  Ryan told me he heard the nurses and the doctor had already decided on an emergency C-Section.  Mr. Mad Scientist came back with forms for me to quickly sign through each blood wrenching scream and contraction and went over the 'possible complications'.  I cried.  This was exactly why I did NOT want this.  50% of more of my friends had complications from it.  I did not want to be one of them.  I looked at my husband and he was praying.  He held my hand and stood by my side while I screamed and cried.  Sivan, our amazing photographer/nanny had just taken Addison out of the room because she heard the C-Section talk and didn't think Addison should see that. 

By the Way: this is all happening within 30 minutes or so...VERY fast.  A room FULL of nurses rushing in and out.  Still no meds.  Robyn insisted I lay on my side because the babys heartbeat was dropping rapidly.  I cried harder.  The nurse went to put some fetal monitor on the baby's head and since I was on my side had to lift one leg in the air so she could attach it.  She did.  Another contraction came a minute later and I screamed 'I HAVE TO PUSH!!!!!!!!!!!'

No one could believe it.  They rushed over and there was the baby's head!  Another contraction came and I felt my baby fly out of me faster than the speed of light.  I was still only 7cm dilated.

Apparently, my baby felt as sick as I did about the epidural, meds and C-section and said 'I'm getting the f*ck out of here!!!"

Out popped baby.  No crying.  My chain of nightmares continues.  The cord was wrapped ALL around him like he was practicing tying his shoes.  In addition, there was a LOT of meconium (a babys first poop...the 'recycled' amniotic fluid) in the amniotic fluid, which is never a good thing.  They whisked him away and I heard a cry!  My pain went away almost instantly.  My heart filled up with love and fear faster than a bat out of hell. 


I had to scream 'What Is It?' and my husband confirmed we had a Baby Boy!  They cleaned him off and handed him over to me to breastfeed. 

I had a natural childbirth.  Not in the setting I wanted.  Not in the manner I wanted.  But I had done it.  No medication except for the shit that numbed my hand.  No edidural.  No C-Section.  Robyn even got to deliver my baby (don't tell the hospital!).  Ryan even got to watch his son being born (and wasn't grossed out!) and he got to cut the cord.

Jonah is officially known as the "miracle baby" at the hospital and the birthing center.  He is my little hero.  Every person we encountered on this journey played a special role in our journey.  The amazing women at the birth center will forever be in our hearts.  Robyn, Becky and Mary (student midwives) helped me through the most emotional roller coaster of my life to date.  Sivan, our photographer, was our safety net.  Without her, we would have been lost and Addison may have been scarred for life.    


Jonah Ryan Lewman was born 10:32AM on 9/19/2011, weighing in at a whopping 6lb 13.6oz.  I guess sonograms are just guessing games!  Jonah had a few tests come back high showing that he could have a possible blood infection due to the traumatic birth and breathing in meconium, etc.  But just days later his tests came back great and he is now home sleeping soundly while I tell the world about our amazing experience.