Monday, April 23, 2012

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife! (A Blog for the average 'Manly Man')

While my husband likes to refer to me as a 'Strong Woman', I'd be lying if I said I havent been referred to as a man on more than a handful of occasions. 

"Dude, trust me.  She has bigger balls than you'll ever have" said my Super BFF, a male, and a Green Baret.
"I'd bet she's lugging around a steel set" said another good male friend.
I once challenged a dude to play 'hit for hit' after a few beers.  You know, the game where you punch each other in the arm as hard as you can and take turns until someone cries Uncle.  Yeah...that was me.  Was he going easy on me?  Maybe.  But I was bruised for a month and I still won. 

It's true most of my friends have always been male.  Many women like to make that claim, it's always been true for me.  While I may look cute in a cat suit and hate sports, I am more man than most men. 

That said, I think I have a leg to stand on when I make the following claims.  Are you single and trying to attract a chick?  Or just 'toot it and boot it'?  Want your wife to put out more?  Tired of looking like Larry the Cable Guy in front of the TV shouting at your team?  Think eating healthy makes you look feminine?  Here's a thought:  Quit thinking about your stupid hairy self for a minute and think about your wife (or girlfriend, or girl from the bar last night).

What do you think a woman finds more attractive in a mate?  A narrow minded barbarian who fancies himself a 'real man' gorging himself on steak and potatoes until his "super attractive" hairy-naveled belly hangs over his belt and he slowly but surely over the years loses recognition of his neck, OR a man who cares enough about himself to stuff his face full of healthier foods and vegetables, looks damn good without a shirt on and has enough confidence to not give 2 shits about what his friends think?

I choose the latter and I believe most women would to. 

There is nothing cute about wasting time driving your aging husband around to doctors' appointments for high cholesterol or to hearing from doctors about how you need to lose weight.  Oh, and heavy breathing while eating?  DISGUSTING!  There is nothing Macho or Masculine about your frumpy body wearing a swim suit to the beach or gorging yourself on hamburgers and hot dogs until you need to remove your belt before heading to the couch for a post-dinner nap, only to snore while your wife does the dishes.  Sexy?  No.  You think your wife wants to crawl on top of that later?  Hardly.  Think you have a chance of scoring with another chick when your wife leaves you for someone who is not so gross?  Nope.

In addition, gentlemen, may I bring your attention over here to Exhibit B; When you think that eating healthier,  foregoing meat or dairy or going vegetarian makes you less of a man, WHO IN THE F*#& ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?   Other dudes?  (Not hating on my homo homies!...I said this was for the average man, but trust me, the same rules apply.)   Your male friends that are just as gross??    Or your wife who has had a sexy nightie and fishnets hiding in her panty drawer for years that have yet to make a guest appearance because you are too busy watching football with your hand down your pants to notice? 

Famous Vegetarian Men - just a short list of some Real Men.
Albert Einstein - If this man was veg, you know its not for dummies.
Mike Tyson - While he demonstrates canibalistic tendancies, he is veg and super healthy
Bob Harper - This man is about as sexy as they come, questionable sexual orientation and all.  :)
Woody Harrelson - Natural Born Lady Killer
Barry White - "Lets Get It On" - enough said.
Paul McCartney & George Harrison- did you ever have a Mania with crowds of girls screaming for you?  Doubt it. 
Bill Clinton - He had no problem getting tail
John Salley - former NBA Champion.  This tall drink o' water gets his strength from the same source as your steak: greens
Eddie Vedder - His voice alone makes clothes come off faster than tequila
Steve-O - He may staple his testicles to his leg but he won't eat meat!
Mac Danzig - This MMA fighter gets his energy from a vegan diet
Funny Men - Bill Cosby, Steve Martin & Jerry Seinfeld.  YES, I said Jerry Seinfeld.  Is a vegatarian. 
Two Words: Brad Pitt

Note* While my intention is not to preach a vegan diet, as I am not even really vegetarian, I'm just using it to prove a point so don't get your panties in a knot bitching about how you eat meat and get all the tail you want.  No one cares.

Tofu Salad Manwich
While SOY has been shown to increase estrogen levels when eaten in large quantites, a little once in a while will not kill you, make you grow man-boobs or shrink your ball bag.  It’s good and man-approved.
1 Block FIRM (Not silken) Tofu
2 Celery Stalks, sliced lengthwise and diced
½ Red Bell Pepper, diced
2 Green Onions, diced
½ Large Pickle, diced
1 Tbsp Prepared Mustard
1/3 C Vegan Mayo
2 Tbsp Dulse Flakes
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp Turmeric
½ tsp White Pepper
Salt & Pepper to taste
Drain and press tofu between a paper towels or a clean dish towel for a few minutes to drain excess water.  Crumble with your hands into a bowl and add remaining ingredients.  Mix with fork.  Spread it on your favorite bread, top with lettuce and tomatoes and indulge. 


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